"Why on Earth would you want me for this? Do you even know who I am, kiddo?"
"I know who you are, and I am quite serious," she said, her facial features not moving an inch.
I know what you all are thinking: Why am I, Deadpool, the Merc-with-a-Mouth, even entertaining the silly notions of a ten-year-old girl?
Simple: I'm an idiot. She sounded at least thirty over the phone! Honest! She sounds older in person, too, and the suite doesn't help. If she wasn't so short she could fool me. It's strange that someone less than half my hight can make me feel like they're looking me square in the eye.
"So, let me sum up what you want me to do: You want me to go to this Geo kid, hand him a box of chocolates, say happy Valentines day, and tell him it's all from you? A middle aged man wearing a mask and armed to the gills giving a child candy. Nothing wrong with that. Why do you like this kid so much, anyway? Aren't you a little young for that kind of thing?"
"I can't explain everything, but let's just say that he's my hero."
"There's more to it than that, but that's all I can say."
I can sympathize with this girl, but she's going about things the wrong way. Whatever. Not my problem.
"Listen kid, I can't do this job."
"What! Why not? I can pay..."
"It isn't about the money. I've got a reputation to uphold, and I'm doing a bad enough job as it is. Sorry."
"Oh, well, I'm sorry for wasting your time," she lowers her head and I can't see her eyes, but I get the feeling that the minute I walk out the door she's going to start crying. Now, if you know me, you know that females are my Achilles heel.
"Sigh. Why can't you just give it to him yourself? Is it really that hard?" She looked up at me with big sad, manga eyes. I'd feel better about the whole thing if she'd get angry and just shoot me, but no, I never get to take the easy way out.
"I just wanted to make it special somehow. I was just being a silly little girl. I understand that a man in your position couldn't be bothered with my petty problems..." Sure, twist the guilt knife.
"Well, maybe there's something else I can do to help? What can you tell me about this boy?" Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. Wade Wilson, you are a weak little man, do you know that?
"He's kind, very kind. He never hesitates to help people, even if he doesn't know them. He likes to look up at the sky on Vista Point in the evenings. He's brave, too, and..."
"OK! That's enough, I don't need his biography!" So I put the old brain into motion. I thought, and I thought, and I thought I had something but it turned out to be bad gas, and I thought, and then it hit me!
"I've got a plan. It's just crazy enough to work. So, do you still have that box of chocolates?"
"Is this the Platz residence? I have a delivery for..." you scroll down your fancy clip board (they make everything look official), "Luna Platz."
"I'm sorry, sir. She lives in the condominium over there," he points to the condo, "And why are you delivering it? Don't you guys move furniture?"
"Oh, golly, this is a mess," you continue, ignoring his observation, "Could you give it to her? I've got something important to do, and this chocolate will ruin! Please!"
"Thanks, you're the best!" I shove the red box into his arms and then take off running like my pants are on fire, and go to give the man I tied up and threw in the back of his truck his clothes back. I'll throw in the mask I'm wearing in too for his troubles. Lucky devil.
"Yes, he'll know where I am. Now get into position!"
"Roger that." I jumped into a nearby trash can. She is SO getting the cleaning bill.
"Oh? Me? I'm just looking up at the sky. I can see why you find it so relaxing." So far, so good.
"Oh, yes. It's very pretty."
"Yeah, it is."
"Did you need to tell me?"
"Uh-huh. I've got something for you-" She'll need to do this next bit quickly. It relies on him not getting a word in edgewise.
"Are those chocolates? For me, on Valentines day? Oh, Geo! You shouldn't have!" Good thing that girls, especially of the anime and manga variety, are very good at this.
"What-" he starts, but she silences him with a quick and very innocent kiss on the cheek. She runs off giggling like a school girl, which she technically is, and leaving him standing there, blushing like a fool.
He touches the cheek that she kissed and grins. I think I can call this mission a complete success.
"You know, maybe I should start a match making service! I could call it 'Deadpool's Matches'. How does the slogan 'Just crazy enough to work!' sound to you readers?"